Sunday, October 21, 2012

Monkey Girl Episode 1: A Short Introduction to Monkey Girl

Monkey Girl, a mysterious super hero! A nutcase in a monkey suit! A hero to thousands! She has her own online merchandise store, her own blog, social network feeds, video channels and podcasts.

She never freaking updates any of it!

Why, Monkey Girl, why don't you ever update?

"Is this really the time to ask?" she asks, turning her head to the side, talking to our narrator's camera while running like the dickens.

Observe our hero, moving at breakneck speed on a rooftop. One had is flat and parallel to her body, the other is holding what looks like a short, bent, wet, mossy, bark-covered twig. She holds it like a gun. Both hands quickly move back and forth in time with her gate. She pumps her legs hard and fast. Actually it's pretty impressive. She's clearly a world-class athlete.

What is less impressive is what she's wearing. It's a monkey suit. It seems to be more in the style of a mascot's outfit, but without the giant head, hands, and feet. It's a poorly sewn, ratty -- look you can even see the zipper down the middle!-- home-made, monkey costume complete with a useless tail and plastic, 99 cent store, monkey mask.

"Everyone's a critic." Just as she says this, a giant tree branch growing at the pace of a cannon ball nearly takes off our hero's head. The phenomenal growth and apparent malicious intent of the branch are not the only odd things about it. It is also on fire, its "bark" is a covering white-hot coals, and when it passed near our hero's head (melting the mask just a little) it had the sound like the blaze of a giant bonfire, and a low rumbling not unlike that of a Harley Davidson motorcycle with an extra noisy muffler.

Monkey Girl turns her duck into a forward roll, dodges another branch as she makes a 180 degree turn and ends up on one knee, pointing her branch at her attackers. Her attackers look a bit like cartoonish toy dolls, if said toys were grown like trees instead of manufactured, 10 feet tall, on fire and had heads like jack-o-lanterns. They were like a troubled art student's (or an art student who wanted to seem like he was troubled) final project, but actually alive and capable of killing you.

Monkey Girl fired her branch.

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